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Intoxicating Inc.

There are two adverseries in this realm of the seen that constantly clash, and often collide. They are both powerful leaders in their field, each with millions of followers across the globe. However, this situation satisfies neither of them, as they seek to wrest control and thus dominate the world market, by totally eliminating the opponent. A meeting has been hastily arranged through intermediares, with the hope of resolving this long-standing dispute, a meeting that may yet conclude in a merger.

Drugs exclaimed joyfully, " How good to see you my dear fellow! "

Alcohol responded with equal fervour, " Good to see you to! I must say, you have not changed at all! Still appear dozey and dopey! "

Drugs laughed, and said, " Indeed! As you know, appearance is nine-tenths of the product! I would not be able to shift a splif anywhere in this god-forsaken-place were it not that I myself exhibit the great benefits of enjoying a snuff or smoke or two! And you look as bleary-eyed and half-spaced out as usual ! Great to see you indulging yourself ! "

Alcohol smiled as he replied, " Imagine presenting oneself as sober and sane! Why, you and I would have ended up bankrupt thousands of years ago! As it is, we both sport the look of our own particular brand of intoxicants, and how well we do seem, seeing as we have never touched drugs and alcohol in our nasty little lives! "

Drugs gazed at his erstwhile opponent mysteriously, " Now then, now then ! We must never allow that insignificant fact to emerge into the world, if it did, we would both of us be finished! "

Alcohol nodded his head in agreement, and then said, " Well, well, the niceties over - let's get down to the nitty-gritty. Either you and I merge, or we continue with this endless war, where we both lose out to other smarter products currently captivating our captivated customers. "

Drugs said quietly, " We must pull together. There has been far too much negative publicity about our battles, giving fools with an agenda demanding that we both be banned! "

Alcohol stroked his wizened, crumpled chin as he mused, " These politicians, blah, blah, blah ! That's the sum-total of their contribution to world affairs ! Now just consider the tremendous effects you and I have had on the world. Everywhere, people binge-drinking - you could'nt find a more healthy and hearty pastime ! - and snorting coke, where they reach heights they never could doing or taking anything else ! I tell you, we are performing an excellent public service, people turn to us in despair and distress, they don't go running to their local synagogue or church or mosque ! "

Drugs shook his head emphatically, " Yes, yes, dear chap ! We have declared all this many times in our advertising slots. What we require is some kind of slogan informing the passive masses that we are only
striving to bring lasting benefit to their sad pathetic lives, by intoxicating them to the extent that they entirely forget their sad pathetic lives ! And we certainly need to dismiss all these terror/horror stories about how terribly horrible we are for their health and wealth ! Come now, there is a concerted effort afoot to permanently abolish us, these religious types, and family types, and socially concerned types, they are doing untold damage to our image as benefactors of mankind ! We must move, and man, we gotta move fast, and even faster than that ! "

Alcohol fell silent for a minute or two, as he contemplated the options open to them. He then said, " Well then, I suggest we merge into Intoxicating Inc. pronto, and put the news about. I think a few dozen high-profile interviews will do the trick. But we must face the media and the rest of their ilk together, a united front to
defeat the enemies of fun ! "

Drugs looked across at Alcohol with something approaching admiration, " You certainly got a way with words ! But what about these idiot politicians, and counsellors, and those damned religious fools ! And all the others ! How we gona combat their lies ? They are already claiming we kill millions of people across this evil-infested world annually ! And they even go so far as to claim we target the young, which incidentally we do ! But no need to
publicise the fact ! "

Alcohol responded with vehemence, " Now I think we need to speak the truth. We ought to readily admit the fact that using our products destroys lives, and kills trillions all over the place ! "

Drugs was aghast at such a suggestion, " If we ever admitted these facts, we'd be done for ! No more hefty profits from brainless and mindless fools ! "

Alcohol smiled secretively as he said, " Not so my freind ! This is what we call in the field of marketing, " perverse psychology " ! The more we come clean about how dirty our products are, the more the public will chase after us ! Have you not witnessed on many a sad occassion the blithering blubberings of hypocritical and pretentious politicians ? The more they lie and invent and fabricate, the more likely they are to get voted into power ! The masses want to be sedated, they don't want to be conscious or aware of what's happening around them or in them. They're constantly on the look-out for a quick-fix, they blindly stumble ahead by imitating crass celebrities who have made us world-players ! I tell you, we say " Yes, we cause death and destruction on a grand scale ! And how marvellous and splendid that journey is from existence to oblivion ! "

Drugs took a deep breath and said, " Golly ! I do believe you hit the blasted nail on its irritating head ! Let's go to it ! "

Alcohol smirked as he said, " So no more battles and wars between you and me. We take on the world as one mighty power, no more conflict and competition. No more claims as to who is worse or better.
We rally our troops and attack the enemy head on, together. Done? "

Drugs smiled happily, his opaque eyes glittering dangerously, " Done ! Let's destroy this over-rated race once and for all ! Profits fifty-fifty ! "

Alcohol laughed and shouted, " You bet ! "

The meeting, supposedly top-secret, had been over-heard and recorded by those with a vested interest in
seeing the power and influence of Alcohol and Drugs entirely destroyed. Their informants had been working within, so the meeting which was going to end in a merger actually foreshadowed the beginning of the end of these two evil-doers intent on world domination.

Public-spirited and desperately concerned for the sad plight of individuals hooked on one or other or both of these intoxicants, they resolved to publish and broadcast the sensational revelations, and thus hope to bring about the speedy demise of this industry of intoxication. And what a story it was ! Alcohol and Drugs actually confessing to their crimes, gloating about the unhappiness they caused, rejoicing in young people sacrificing their potential, their lives, for a quick illusory lift ! At last,these two would be exposed as the corrupt manipulators they were, far too shrewd to touch their own stuff, yet seeking to ram it down the throats of every passing innocent !

No more ! The end was in sight, for once, a happy ending ! Alcohol and Drugs, henceforh, you will intoxicate nothing and no-one but the pages of History !

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