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I Am Hell

Does hell exist? Is it a reality and an entity in its own right? If so, what is hell? Where is it? Why - why - should a place exceedingly odious and ignoble be granted leave to be?

This is a tale of many truths - though falsehood attempted to prevent this story from being told. I will reveal all and conceal nought - for I am he who they describe as hell.

I, and I alone am hell and it is in none but me. Neither imagination nor perception are able to encompass hell and all its horrors. It is a state and a place devoid of being, stripped of light. When complete hope withdraws and brittle life retreats, hell welcomes the unwelcome.

Despair knows no boundaries - here even the dark trembles in fear. Hell is the disease of every corrupted heart, its likeness is that of a vastly and rapidly expanding black hole - where the sensation of falling never ceases, and the desire for an ending is never realized.

Death gives life to every form of suffering, terror lives alongside torment, as pain becomes a beastly, permanant companion. The deformed creatures who inhabit this barren landscape were once human beings - they are the wretched ones who believed not that they would ever be called to account. The hapless sinners who rejected the concept of sin.

Hell comprises colliding worlds where the living are denied life and the dead of heart denied death. It enfolds all within its spaces like a garment aflame - the fires ascending and descending in billowing waves. Screams and cries of anguish are the only language spoken here, yet there is none to respond, for there are none who care. This is a place from which there is neither escape nor refuge. Rest, relief or respite from exposure to the burning flames do not ever step across the borders of this fiery furnace. Where Mercy was once knowingly denied so it too turned aside.

I sought that which brought me no benefit and I strived for those things which ultimately rejected me. I craved the world and tried to possess it - I was consumed with a profound passion to grasp this material realm within my broad fists. Every ability and quality with which I was endowed was employed for the purposes of bringing the world and its allurements within my orbit. But the world is elusive, it cannot be constrained nor contained within the compass of one's desires. Its seductive appearance belies a terrible reality - all who seek it are destined to perish. But this truth eluded me throughout my life.

I lived to feed the vanity that existed in me - no praise was too high or good enough for me, but that I must needs demand more and more. I never tired of being told how exceptionally clever I was, nor was I ever satisfied when others praised the perfection of my face and form. I believed I was infinitely superior to those who followed me about like brainless sheep with their foolish utterances and their shallow thoughts. I - and only I - mattered. I was a religion unto myself - my adoring worshippers grovelling at my dismissive feet. Exalted was the throne upon which I sat, remote and aloof from all - from this vantage point I glared down in majestic contempt at the filthy, disgusting masses crawling about desperately seeking my attention.

I indulged in every perverted fantasy of the mind, plummeting to the very depths of depravity and immorality - there was no thought, emotion, act or word that was too despicable for me. I gloried in the performance of deeds that others dared not even dream of. The purpose of my life was to commit evil - for I did not believe in the existence of good.

Often I would espy a figure attired in the deepest shades of darkness lurking at the very edges of my vision - beckoning me onwards and downwards. It appeared that he belonged to the realm of my nightmares alone, for never did I encounter this mysterious stranger in my waking state.

As I journeyed through the world many people crossed my path, and many things did I experience. I exploited everyone and everything - whosoever, whatsoever had the misfortune to enter into my domain found themselves used. When they no longer served any practical purpose, they were discarded. I unceremoniously and callously removed them from my presence. I was the first and the last, my needs - which were fed by my deeds - were paramount. Life was only about taking, grabbing, cheating, stealing, decieving. I had never entertained the thought of giving or sharing. I was the centre, everyone and everything revolved around me. Thus had I convinced myself.

A person of Faith walked into and out of my life, greatly disillusioned. I was never to properly comprehend how our paths converged - yet they were doomed inevitably to diverge. For, though her beautiful countenance captivated my avaricious heart, she refused to submit to my strong, all-encompassing will. The light in her eyes and the serenity in her voice both obsessed and decieved my determined mind - yet she forsook paying homage to me. Alas that she was imperfect - for she did not really accord me my due. The first individual ever to challenge my dominion over all I surveyed and my perception of my own tremendous self was also the only one who ever expressed love for me - and the only woman I ever loved.

She asserted her concern for me - then proceeded to attempt the impossible. She tried to make me believe in the unbelievable. Was I so stupid as to believe in a god of creation? I was being asked to consider all manner of strange things. I was even urged to change! ME, change? How ridiculous! Why would I ever want to change? I saw no need to mend my ways, I certainly did not require any alterations in my life-style, modes of thought or conduct. After all , was I not perfect? Was I not complete as a human being? Was I not self-sufficient? I needed no " God " to enlighten, illuminate or enliven my soul. I was all I wanted to be and even more than that.

I was accused of arrogantly and quite deliberately turning away from the truth. I laughed - so far as I was concerned, the only truth that mattered or counted was my truth. I was too important to believe in anything outside of my ownself. If any god existed it did so in the fulfillment of my desires. My lusts were my gods, their worship and attainment was my life's work.

Eventually, she abandoned me to my own devious devices and I found myself bitterly ensconced in the tall towers of my loneliness. The brightness of radiant splendour that once shone upon me was forever extinguished. For the first time in my glorious existence I experienced a devastating sense of loss and hurt. This was soon transformed into an all-absorbing rage - I devoured every individual that entered my life with a passionate hatred that left me enslaved. Who could match my gross appetites and what could provide me with the greatest pleasures? In my seeking did I find and in my hunt did I kill.

A day dawned that was fated to be my last. Fury consumed me, how could I die? Life was mine, who dare snatch it from me? Suddenly, all thought and emotion fled in terror as a shudder ran through my once powerful frame. I discovered myself upon my knees in a pain of infinite intensity. Then, I stared in the extremity of my fear at an unknown, whose appearance and stench were so repulsive and repugnant as to cause me to turn aside. I made to move, but was prevented from doing so. I heard a voice commanding me to look and look again at the creature confronting me. I could not but acquiesce because my eyes refused to be shielded from the horrific sight. I gazed at the monstrosity before me, and it spoke. It proclaimed my name loudly and repeatedly - and,

"I am YOU!"

I gasped in anguish, "NO, NO, NO!"

I was perfect in my physical beauty and beautiful in my material perfection. I rejected the possibility that this demon claiming to be me, could be.

As my cries rose ever higher my skin tore itself away from me and I collapsed in absolute agony upon the fetid ground. In states of increasing shock I saw it stand tall before me, accusing me of having despoiled it. One by one my senses emerged, they pointed at me and declared that I had knowingly and willingly corrupted them. My heart provided sworn testimony against me. My Reason stepped forward, and claimed that I had never employed it to achieve good, but that I had always engaged it in evil designs - the pride of my intellect had been deliberately suppressed and silenced.

All of the witnesses lined up to lend further weight to the cases filed against me. They represented the vile nature of the entirety of my works - my Book of Records unfolded before me. What was I? Who was I? Why was I? Where was I? The "I" in me transfigured into the "I am not nor ever was"

I saw my being disintegrate and fragment. I experienced excrutiating pain, such as I had never imagined existed. My outward appearance gave way to the reality in me, I was not as I had always believed myself to be - magnificent and brilliant. Instead, I was this mutilated, disfigured, hateful creature, ugly beyond comprehension. In the distant recesses of my shattered self I heard my soul weep, and I knew then the meaning of grief. In life I had been a supremely destructive force - before me lay the terrible consequences of that spiritual vandalism. The hidden manifested itself.

Time became immaterial. It provided the narrative of lives laid to waste. And the time that I had spent whilst alive - and how brief it seemed now - presented itself to me. I stared in horror as each and every one of my iniquitious doings were exhibited to me. These endeavours that had so greatly occupied me during my wretched existence, took on shape and form - they assumed a life of their own. The evil that I did and had been so proud of, now disowned me - even as every part of me rejected me. Yet even though that evil dismissed me as the contemptible thing I was, it alone remained - and I saw myself take on its aspect. Henceforth, evil and I would be inseparable. We were one - as we had been in life.

Thus emerged from my dark nightmares the figure that had hovered beyond my sight - it was the Devil. He it was who had accompanied me upon my travels through the abominations of my acts. He grinned at me and gestured toward the multitudes gathered and chained together in the portals of eternal shame and damnation. We were the satans who had inhabited our earthly domains creating different levels of hell.

I felt myself being dragged face down upon surfaces that were so hot they caused me to melt. I was created and re-created only in order that I may experience this dreadful torment. For each of my wicked acts a new form of punishment had been devised. Every grade and degree of sin met with its own particular penalty. I had committed virtually every vile act known to pathetic Man, in consequence therefore, I was to be the unhappy recipient of every form of retribution. Here pain was limitless, it was unceasing, unrelenting - it was the only living thing present.

Deprived of my senses I became deaf, dumb and blind - as I had been throughout my life. They had not, nor had anyone or anything, belonged to me. I became an entity without true identity, an anonymous creature, without freind or foe. Truth rejected and condemned me as I appeared in Its Majestic Court. It avenged itself against the edifice of falsehoods I had erected around myself.

Too late was the realization that creation had not been brought into being exclusively to serve my interests or to endlessly supply sustenance for my never-ending desires. It had not been shaped by a series of fortuitious accidents or coincidents. I had not been created in vain, or without meaning and purpose. My very own conceits had rendered my life meaningless and useless. That knowledge in itself was a source of profound desolation. Now the only reason for my existence was suffering severe. The time for repentance, regret and remorse had long since passed away. No hope of return to make amends and begin life anew.

I never knew heaven and hell existed in me or that I had a choice as to my ultimate destination. My actions decided my destiny, my permanant abode composed of the misery of immeasurable and inexpressible remorse and the grief of everlasting despair. I was falling through the regions of my diseased heart, a bottomless stinking pit. There was no light, love or life - just the darkness of an undying death. Hell was transformed - it became both the place and the person. Hell is crying in perpetuity.

My apparel is hell. It is my hideous sustenance and my deathless companion. It is my permanent shelter - without shade from the freezing bitterness of self-inflicted torment. I, I alone am hell - and it forever abides in me.

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